


The Many Issues of Phantom Thievery in a Group Chat

by strangelysweet



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Bisexual Sakamoto Ryuji, F/F, Futaba gives herself a haircut, Gay Kitagawa Yusuke, Lesbian Haru Okumura, Lesbian Niijima Makoto, M/M, Makoto dropkicks the 4th wall, P5R Spoilers, Self-aware character, The Phantom Thieves have a group chat and it's cursed, akechi is simultaneously a good and bad wingman, and fluff, ann is so done with this shit, but she’s coming!!! i promise!!!, established relationship akira/goro, established relationship makoto/haru, fuck it, fuck it let's go, group chat format, i kind of....... forgot about sumi, its just crack, let ryuji sakamoto say fuck, ryukita is in action, sumi is akechi’s emotional support muffin, there is no actual plot to this, this is half chatfic half small pieces of exposition, tiny lesbians holding hands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangelysweet/pseuds/strangelysweet
Summary: the phantom thieves have a group chatobviously, shenanigans happen.
Relationships: Kitagawa Yusuke/Sakamoto Ryuji, Kurusu Akira/ Akechi Goro, Okumura Haru/Nijiima Makoto, Sakura Futaba/Yoshizawa Sumire | Yoshizawa Kasumi
Comments: 78
Kudos: 489





	1. Futaba Sakura and the Unknown Threat Level Hair Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futaba cuts her hair  
> chaos ensues

Futaba fastened the towel around her shoulders tightly, staring intently at her reflection in the mirror. She held the scissors up to her hair, hands shaking the closer she got to the long, ginger mess. She inhaled sharply, squeezed her eyes shut and let the blades snap underneath her earlobe.

She stared at the strands dropping to the floor in slow motion, landing at her feet.

She squealed, half delighted, half terrified. She raised the scissors up to her hair once more, watching closely as the hair slowly fell to the floor the more she heard the snap of the blades. Soon, the bathroom floor was covered in the auburn tresses. Futaba brushed her hand against the underside of her new haircut. It was shorn just above her ears, uneven and softer than she expected the ends to be. her bangs remained intact, with two longer pieces framing her face.

She bolted for her phone, fingers shaking as she typed a new message into the group chat.

> futaba: guys i did a thing
> 
> futaba: it will be a shock
> 
> futaba: but it was all for the best

Makoto started typing.

> Makoto: I swear to God, Futaba if you hacked into the US government military database again, I will make you wish you never learned to type.

Ann went online, almost immediately after Makoto sent the worryingly vague threat.

> Ann: Omg Futaba did you cut your own bangs???
> 
> Ann: I did that once lol
> 
> Ann: Shiho started crying when I came into class the next morning.

> futaba: something like that...

Ryuji appeared.

> ryuji: holy shit i remember that
> 
> ryuji: it was like the first time i dyed my hair blonde but worse because urs couldnt be fixed with black dye
> 
> Makoto: Absolute idiots. All of you.
> 
> Makoto: Apart from you, Haru, you're an angel.
> 
> Haru: :)

Akira came online, lurking before speaking. Sly fucker.

> akira: i think we need photo evidence of the hair disasters. and of futaba's unknown threat level crisis.

Futaba huffed, glaring into the screen as if it was the bane of her very existence. He was so _insufferably_ devious sometimes, it made her want to hit him over the head with a newspaper like a badly behaving cat.

> futaba: you egg
> 
> futaba: only i'm allowed to call it shitty
> 
> futaba: i grew and cut it myself. i have custody over my haircut crisis.
> 
> akira: i was definitely not going to take you to court over a self-inflicted hair cut.
> 
> ryuji: lmao 'self-inflicted'
> 
> ryuji: im sure it ain't that bad futaba
> 
> ryuji: and if it is, no one will see it anyway
> 
> Ann: Ryuji don't be fucking rude
> 
> ryuji: square up u wet cat
> 
> Makoto: Both of you need to sit down.
> 
> Makoto: In fact, take several seats.
> 
> Ann: Yes, ma'am.
> 
> ryuji: sorry makoto
> 
> ryuji: and u too i guess
> 
> Ann: Wow, thanks
> 
> Yusuke: Futaba, what have you done??

Futaba grinned, running back to the bathroom, almost slipping on the towel she left on the floor. She turned her camera on, snapping a photo of all the hair on the floor. She inhaled, exhaled, and pressed send.

> [futaba sent an image to the group chat]
> 
> futaba: voila, fuckers
> 
> futaba: here lies the dead and gone mop of my hair
> 
> futaba: i am a new woman now
> 
> futaba: it's like a second awakening uno?
> 
> akira: i am thou, thou art i
> 
> akira: clean up the hair before Boss fucking dies
> 
> Ann: He won't be able to take it.
> 
> Ann: The change is too severe.
> 
> Haru: ... Oh no, we killed it
> 
> Haru: We didn't even send it a calling card...
> 
> ryuji: damn
> 
> ryuji: we need a funeral
> 
> Haru: I can provide flowers!
> 
> Yusuke: I will volunteer to organize the interior design.
> 
> Yusuke: Do not even think of denying me, Akira, you thought the color chartreuse was blue
> 
> akira: ...
> 
> akira: chartreuse does not sound like the disgusting lime green you showed me
> 
> akira: it sounds blue.
> 
> Yusuke: Did you just call chartreuse 'lime green'?
> 
> Makoto: Futaba, seriously, clean up the hair it's a hazard to your health.
> 
> futaba: oh, i see.
> 
> futaba: when animal fur is put on the floor, it's "chic" and "a nice rug"
> 
> futaba: but when I do it, it's "a hazard to my health"
> 
> Makoto: Futaba, clean up the hair.
> 
> futaba: ok

Akira sighed, leaning back against the slightly open window. The summer was dull and hot, full of dramatic sighs and proclamations of burning to death in "100 degree” heat. He felt his phone buzz in his hand, stirring him from the haze in between sleep and lethargic apathy. It was a message from the group chat again.

Ann was in the middle of delivering the eulogy for Futaba's shorn hair.

> Ann: And may you rest in pieces, shoved underneath the shower mat.
> 
> futaba: how did you know
> 
> Ann: Futaba I was joking take the hair out from underneath the shower mat and put it in the trash
> 
> Makoto: It's unhygienic!
> 
> Haru: It will get stuck in your drain and become gross :(
> 
> ryuji: ewww imagine that long ass hair in ur drain pipe
> 
> ryuji: that shit nastyyyy
> 
> futaba: no u
> 
> ryuji: haha jokes on u
> 
> ryuji: *reverse uno card*
> 
> futaba: you bastard that was uncalled for
> 
> ryuji: ur face is uncalled for
> 
> akira: stop acting like children or i'll smack you with my paper fan.
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> akira: i hate you, you're fired.
> 
> Makoto: You can't fire her, she's our navigator.
> 
> Makoto: What will we do without her?
> 
> ryuji: ...
> 
> ryuji: yo...
> 
> ryuji: remember that one time where i figured out the map and got us out of a scary volleyball sex dungeon?
> 
> Ann: Where are you going with this?
> 
> Ann: Wait.
> 
> Ann: No. Absolutely not.
> 
> akira: no, wait, let him speak.
> 
> ryuji: i would make a hella cute navi
> 
> ryuji: that's all im sayin
> 
> futaba: this is treason.
> 
> futaba: a plague on both your houses.
> 
> Makoto: Do not aggressively quote Shakespeare at me, young lady.
> 
> futaba: eat my shorts, villain
> 
> Ann: There is no way in HELL we're letting Ryuji be the Navi.
> 
> Ann: I once took him to the diner and he said he was going to go to the bathroom.
> 
> Ann: It took me an hour and a half to find him, curled up in the rain outside the bar in Shinjuku.
> 
> ryuji: it was not my fault!
> 
> ryuji: it was dark and i took a left turn instead of a right.
> 
> Ann: It was 3pm.
> 
> futaba: uno, i would never do that
> 
> akira: silence, gremlin, the jury is deciding your fate.
> 
> futaba: fuck you
> 
> akira: !!
> 
> akira: who taught you that word???
> 
> futaba: pancake bitch
> 
> futaba: he dropped his sword and he just stared at it for a few seconds before quietly saying
> 
> futaba: "hmm... fuck"
> 
> akira: where is he
> 
> Ann: Who?
> 
> ryuji: freakin akechi
> 
> Haru: Oh, don't be mean to him! I actually find him rather pleasant.
> 
> Makoto: Sweet, innocent Haru... If only you knew
> 
> Makoto: Goro Akechi is a certified bitch
> 
> Makoto: You should see his qualifications, they're actually rather impressive.
> 
> Haru: But
> 
> Haru: He told me my hair looked nice once, and he was really sincere about it too!
> 
> Yusuke: He, too, thought chartreuse was blue.
> 
> Yusuke: It really seems like the pair are well suited to each other
> 
> akira: we are not a "pair", we are a rivalry.
> 
> akira: healthy competition, if you will
> 
> Ann: You called him a beautiful bastard once.
> 
> Ann: He told you to go fuck yourself and you said "fuck me yourself, coward"
> 
> akira: it is a natural response, is it not?
> 
> Ann: No, Akira.
> 
> Ann: It's not.
> 
> Ann: Stop calling yourselves rivals when you're obviously fucking each other
> 
> ryuji: theyre doing whAT
> 
> Yusuke: They're having sex, Ryuji, do keep up.
> 
> akira: we are not having sex!!
> 
> akira: he is my nemesis!!
> 
> akira: my top issue!!
> 
> futaba: oh he's your "top issue", alright...
> 
> akira: shut up you little toad
> 
> ryuji: akira and akechi are doing wHAT
> 
> Yusuke: I just told you, Ryuji, they're having casual sex.
> 
> ryuji: akira...
> 
> ryuji: and... akechi???
> 
> ryuji: are... screwin each other???
> 
> Makoto: Akira, I implore you to raise your standards.
> 
> akira: oh, they're high, makoto.
> 
> akira: they're high enough that i refused mishima for him.
> 
> ryuji: akira... bro... that's not high
> 
> ryuji: ur just really thirsty
> 
> Haru: Akira's thirsty?
> 
> Haru: But he lives above a coffee shop.
> 
> Haru: He can make a drink any time he wants!
> 
> Ann: She is too pure for this chat.
> 
> Makoto: I feel the sudden urge to protect her.
> 
> akira: that's pretty gay, makoto
> 
> Makoto: You're sleeping with Akechi, so pardon me if I excuse myself from bearing the brunt of being the gay disaster in the group.
> 
> futaba: damn, makoto snapped
> 
> futaba: it's ok makoto you can be our lesbian mom
> 
> Makoto: Thank you for the honor of serving this family of idiots as the sole voice of reason.
> 
> Makoto: Apart from you, Haru, you're too good for this world.
> 
> Haru: :)
> 
> ryuji: this is the same girl who slammed an axe into a shadow and giggled afterwards
> 
> ryuji: what the eff???
> 
> Ann: Ryuji, how come you don't say fuck?
> 
> ryuji: my mom can sense it from a mile away
> 
> ryuji: i dont wanna disappoint her
> 
> Ann: That's surprisingly wholesome
> 
> Ann: You and your mom have always been close
> 
> ryuji: yeah
> 
> ryuji: what about it
> 
> Ann: Oh, nothing.
> 
> Ann: I'm just a bit jealous.
> 
> Ann: My parents are always abroad.
> 
> ryuji: ann
> 
> ryuji: if this is a way into gettin me to adopt u out of pity
> 
> ryuji: i will not
> 
> ryuji: there can only be one blonde in the sakamoto household
> 
> futaba: duel each other!!
> 
> futaba: do it for the teen angst!!
> 
> ryuji: whats the prize
> 
> futaba: your mom
> 
> akira: well played, young one
> 
> akira: both factually correct and upholding the meme culture of our house.
> 
> akira: i am proud.
> 
> futaba: uwu
> 
> akira: i am no longer proud.
> 
> Yusuke: What does "uwu" mean?
> 
> futaba:...
> 
> akira:...
> 
> futaba: im gonna tell him.
> 
> akira: don't you dare
> 
> ryuji: ignore em, yusuke.
> 
> ryuji: it's an internet troll thing
> 
> Yusuke: Futaba is a troll?
> 
> Yusuke: Although it is not inaccurate, it is rather bold of you to say it to her face
> 
> futaba: oi
> 
> futaba: rude
> 
> ryuji: u heard him
> 
> ryuji: i ain't wrong
> 
> futaba: that's fair
> 
> futaba: i'm bored imma add akechi
> 
> akira: what
> 
> [Futaba added Goro Akechi to the group]
> 
> futaba: done
> 
> futaba: the bitch has arrived
> 
> akira: what have you done
> 
> Ann: Are you insane??
> 
> Ann: Did you cut some of that common sense away with all that hair?
> 
> futaba: wow, someone's pissy
> 
> futaba: what, did i step on your tail?
> 
> Ann: No, you just ruined the sanctity of our friendship and trust
> 
> futaba: so be it
> 
> futaba: i see thou knowest me not
> 
> Akechi: Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, scene one
> 
> Akechi: I was not aware you studied Shakespeare, Futaba
> 
> futaba: i dont read.
> 
> Akechi: Ah.
> 
> akira: you know romeo and juliet off by heart???
> 
> Akechi: Not word for word, but I take a literature course at my school.
> 
> akira: that's so nerdy
> 
> akira: its also kind of hot
> 
> Akechi: What?
> 
> akira: what?
> 
> Ann: I hate you
> 
> akira: i know.
> 
> ryuji: bro im so disappointed in u
> 
> ryuji: of all the bastards, you had to screw this one???
> 
> Akechi: While remaining neutral to this particular element of the conversation, I must point out that I am not a bastard.
> 
> ryuji: lies
> 
> futaba: ok everyone, is goro akechi
> 
> futaba: a bastard?
> 
> Ann: Yes.
> 
> Makoto: The finest.
> 
> Haru: In the best possible way!
> 
> ryuji: hella
> 
> Yusuke: There is no questioning it
> 
> akira: yes, but he's pretty so it's ok
> 
> Akechi: Oh.
> 
> akira: it's ok, i still want to fight you
> 
> Akechi: You do?
> 
> Akechi: What a relief.
> 
> futaba: by 'fight you', he means he wants to fuck you
> 
> akira: i am disowning you
> 
> akira: have fun by yourself
> 
> akira: ryuji you're the new navi
> 
> ryuji: hell yeah!!
> 
> Akechi: Oh, I am well aware.
> 
> Ann: I just choked on my crepe
> 
> Makoto: I think I've seen Hell.
> 
> Makoto: It looks a lot like this group chat.
> 
> Haru: Ann, are you alright?
> 
> Haru: Do you need assistance?
> 
> Ann: No, you wonderful human being.
> 
> Ann: Everything is now fine.
> 
> Makoto: Back off, Takamaki
> 
> Ann: okoksorry
> 
> ryuji: girls are scary
> 
> futaba: i know right
> 
> Ann: Ryuji don't be fucking rude
> 
> ryuji: goddamit ann
> 
> Yusuke: Ryuji, your fear of women explains how you are still without a lover, does it not?
> 
> ryuji: bullshit
> 
> ryuji: i might be gay, u kno?
> 
> Yusuke: I am gay, Ryuij. You are not gay.
> 
> ryuji: i am not gay, no
> 
> ryuji: im a bisexual babeyyy
> 
> futaba: and yet here you are
> 
> futaba: all bi yourself
> 
> ryuij: can we keep her?
> 
> akira: we have no choice.
> 
>   
> Akechi: She seems to be adequate, so it is not too much of a burden
> 
> futaba: fuck you
> 
> futaba: i am above adequate
> 
> futaba: i am a god
> 
> futaba: hail me, you thot
> 
> Akechi: I have to refuse the offer.
> 
> Akechi: And I will not ask what a 'thot' refers to.
> 
> ryuji: she called u a hoe
> 
> futaba: a slut, if you will
> 
> ryuji: a whore
> 
> futaba: a seducer
> 
> ryuji: a jezebel
> 
> Ann: Jeez, y'all popped off

Goro frowned, flashing his phone screen at the boy laying on top of him, legs sprawled across his lap.

"Your friends do not seem to like me"

Akira propped himself up onto his elbows, reading the messages, then lazily lowering himself down. He groaned in the heat and fanned himself with his hand.

"They're a tough crowd. That, and you did attempt to murder me. Twice" He drawled, half-assedly tossing his phone onto the pile of unwanted blankets by the bed.

"Well, yes. But still: that was a while ago and now we're _'healthy rivals'_." Goro sent a pointed look at the boy splayed across his lap. Said boy grinned.

"What, don't tell me you don't think you aren't a believable nemesis to me?" Akira teased, hands behind his head as Goro continued to scroll through the chat. He paused, finger hovering over the screen as he let out a quiet hum.

"You think I'm pretty?"

Akira sat up, staring at Goro's face.

"The prettiest bastard to ever have graced this Earth."

Goro looked away, bashfully silent.

"You're not too shabby yourself..." he muttered.

Akira smirked.

"Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you."

Goro scowled playfully, punching him lightly on the arm.

"I _said_ you weren't too shabby yourself."

Akira cupped a hand to his ear, motioning for him to speak louder.

"Speak up, hon, I can't hear you."

Goro huffed, tossing a pillow at Akira's face.

"You're a fucking _beautiful_ asshole, dammit."


	2. Akira Kurusu and the Great Phantom Thief Drag Race of 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> akira volunteers as tribute for another one of futaba's Wonderful Ideas™

Akira woke up to a buzzing next to his face. For a quick moment of panic, he thought it was a bee, but then he remembered that he slept with his windows closed, and that a bee couldn’t be as aggressive as whatever was trying to cause an earthquake. He groaned and hit the object with his pillow. He removed the pillow to see his phone screen staring balefully up at him. It was 3 am. The group-chat was active for some reason unknown to mankind.

> futaba: this fucking sucks >:/
> 
> futaba: my ideas are brilliant, you’re all haters
> 
> Yusuke: Your ideas are shocking.
> 
> Yusuke: To think you would ask that of me…

Akira didn’t bother to read the chat. He would make them explain everything to him like the impertinent brat he was.

> akira: what’s up fuckers
> 
> futaba: ahh, sleeping beauty awakens
> 
> futaba: i was just thinking about giving us all metaverse makeovers
> 
> futaba: uno, give us all a little pizzazz. i was thinking drag for yusuke
> 
> Yusuke: Which I would not be opposed to!
> 
> Yusuke: However, she was asking that I would wear something very unseemly…
> 
> futaba: i asked him to wear a sexy punishment cop outfit
> 
> futaba: apparently, that’s not how the grand virtuoso artist works
> 
> akira: what size is the outfit?
> 
> akira: purely out of curiosity…
> 
> futaba: oho!!
> 
> futaba: i see!!
> 
> futaba: don’t worry big bro i’ve got your back
> 
> Ann: You know, Akira does have the legs for it
> 
> Ann: He’s like, 90% leg lol
> 
> akira: i’ve been told my legs are very lovely
> 
> akira: i’ve had a few compliments on my ass, too
> 
> Yusuke: It is a very good ass.
> 
> akira: see?
> 
> akira: yusuke never lies about important things like how nice my ass is
> 
> futaba: inari is exempt from the sexy cop outfit
> 
> futaba: akira has filled in his 5 inch heeled shoes
> 
> akira: wait hold up
> 
> akira: just five inches?????
> 
> Ann: Wdym, “just” 5 inches??
> 
> Ann: Akira if you can walk in 5 inch heels, you’re my god
> 
> akira: prepare your prayers then, ann, because not only can i walk in heels...
> 
> akira: drum roll, please
> 
> futaba: dududuududududdudududu
> 
> akira: i can sprint in them
> 
> Ann: Ily
> 
> akira: and i love you too <333
> 
>   
> Ann: <333333333
> 
> Akechi: When and where has Kitagawa seen your ass?
> 
> akira: goro did you wake up just to be jealous
> 
> Akechi: No.
> 
> Akechi: Obviously not.
> 
> Yusuke: Akira has modeled for me in the past.
> 
> Yusuke: In fact, I won a 300,000 yen prize for a painting of him
> 
> akira: the ass that launched a thousand ships
> 
> Yusuke: I regret to inform you that no ships were launched.
> 
> Yusuke: But I was able to buy dinner that day.
> 
> Haru: Yusuke, just use my debit card when you buy groceries!!
> 
> Haru: It’s not a problem for me!!
> 
> Haru: I have a global chain providing enough income for me to buy seven different sports cars!!
> 
> Ann: Haru you have seven different sports cars???
> 
> Haru: Oh! I phrased that wrong.
> 
> Haru: I do not have seven different sports cars.
> 
> Ann: Ohhhhh I see lol
> 
> Ann: Here I was thinking you were like
> 
> Ann: Béyonce rich
> 
> Haru: I meant I could add seven more sports cars to my collection of thirteen!
> 
> Ann: Oh shit you really are Béyonce rich
> 
> akira: ishfdoisnfc
> 
> futaba: oh no
> 
> futaba: she nerfed akira
> 
> futaba: rip akira, the dude who was so broke that haru’s multimillionaire antics shot him in the face
> 
> futaba: old yaldy finally got his karma
> 
> Akechi: “Old Yaldy”?
> 
> akira: oh, you haven’t heard?
> 
> akira: i shot a god in the face
> 
> Haru: It was very impressive!  
> Haru: He summoned an old Gnostic demon and everything!!
> 
> Akechi: You did what?
> 
> akira: i fired a bullet into a god’s face, do keep up dear
> 
> Yusuke: Akira, do not rile your boyfriend up.
> 
> Yusuke: It will not end well.
> 
> akira: B  
> akira: BOYFRIEND
> 
> Akechi: I would like to address two things:
> 
> Akechi: 1 - I am not Kurusu-kun’s boyfriend.
> 
> Akechi: 2 - I am overlooking that last part, mostly because I have mercy.
> 
> akira: back to kurusu-kun again???
> 
> akira: what must i do to get you to call me by my name, goro???
> 
> futaba: suck his dick
> 
> akira: you’re totally fired that was absolutely uncalled for
> 
> Makoto: Futaba, I want an eight thousand word essay on why that kind of language and intent is inappropriate by lunchtime.
> 
> Makoto: You will email me the PDF and I will review it with Boss.
> 
> Ann: Omfg did Makoto wake up just to drag Futaba???
> 
> Ann: Iconic!!!!!!
> 
> Akechi: I am regretting many things.
> 
> Akechi: This group chat is one of them.
> 
> futaba: you have zero (0) choices in the matter, goroboy
> 
> futaba: you’re stuck here until the day you croak >:PPP
> 
> ryuji: bro……
> 
> ryuji:ur telling me ur not dating mr sweater vest but ur callin him shit like “dear”
> 
> akira: ryuji……
> 
> akira: not you too…..
> 
> akira: i thought we were bros……
> 
> ryuji: ya until u broke the bro code
> 
> ryuji: violation number 7
> 
> ryuji: u effed ur nemesis n didnt tellme
> 
> akira: I Did Nothing Of The Sort????
> 
> akira: What Do You Take Me For????
> 
> Ann: Don’t deny it, you thot
> 
> futaba: HEY GOROBOY  
> futaba: STOP LURKING AND SHOW YOUR FACE COWARD  
> futaba: @Akechi DID YOU SCREW OR NAH
> 
> Akechi: Akira, I do not like your sister.
> 
> futaba: :0
> 
> Makoto: Futaba, I don’t see you typing your essay.
> 
> futaba: how can you see me????
> 
> Makoto: I am channelling my inner mother.
> 
> futaba: shocked pikachu face
> 
> Ann: Momkoto isn’t fucking around….
> 
> Haru: Futaba, we do not need to know the technicalities of Akira and Akechi-kun’s relationship.
> 
> Haru: In fact, it would be lovely if we all stopped talking about the nature of whatever their relationship is.
> 
> akira: look what you’ve done, futaba
> 
> akira: you’ve scared the lesbian
> 
> futaba: ohno
> 
> futaba: i didn’t mean to scare the lesbian
> 
> ryuji: yh futaba
> 
> ryuji: look what u did
> 
> Ann: Apologize to the scared lesbian, Futaba
> 
> Yusuke: Amend your fractured relations with the frightened lesbian, Futaba.
> 
> akira: only yusuke could make that sentence so…
> 
> akira: perfectly yusuke
> 
> Yusuke: I was simply doing my best to contribute.
> 
> akira: i know this and i love you
> 
> futaba: @Haru
> 
> futaba: i formally apologize. i did not do the thinking before i did the typing. i beg that you will accept my humble apologoot.
> 
> akira: apologoot
> 
> ryuji: apologoot
> 
> Ann: Apologoot
> 
> futaba: NO
> 
> Yusuke: Apologoot
> 
> Haru: It’s ok, Futaba.
> 
> Haru: I accept your…
> 
> futaba: wait
> 
> Haru: Apologoot
> 
> futaba: FUCK
> 
> Makoto: Language, Futaba. Get those fingers typing.
> 
> futaba: sowwy mommykoto uwu :3c
> 
> akira: get out
> 
> akira: i do not want to hear your uwus
> 
> Akechi: This is horrifying.
> 
> Akechi: Why are you all awake?
> 
> Akechi: Surely you have something better to do than listen to a tiny girl interrogate me about my sex life?
> 
> futaba: i don’t sleep
> 
> Ann: That’s unhealthy, Futaba…..
> 
> futaba: so is inhaling seven pounds of waffles, cream, chocolate and maraschino cherries but i don’t say anything 
> 
> Ann: Wow, rude
> 
> ryuji: lmaoooo she aint wrong tho
> 
> Ann: Ryuji I will kick you so hard up the ass you’ll be punted into the sun
> 
> ryuji: square tf up takamaki
> 
> akira: ok can we talk about futaba’s Wonderful Idea™
> 
> akira: (futaba wanting to put yusuke in sexy drag)
> 
> akira: (which i then volunteered to do because i have the legs for it)
> 
> Ann: (He really does tho)
> 
> Ann:(They’re beautiful but deadly)
> 
> Ann: (I once saw him do this thingin the metaverse where he did the usual backflip onto the shadow)
> 
> Ann: (But then, instead of ripping the mask off, he wrapped his legs around the shadow’s neck and used the momentum from swinging down to snap its neck)
> 
> akira: (what can i say?)
> 
> akira: (i have a flair for dramatics)
> 
> ryuji: bro ur so extra
> 
> Makoto: I worry for your health, sometimes.
> 
> Akechi: I, too, worry for your health.
> 
> Akechi: Mostly your mental health, mainly because that affects me as well.
> 
> akira: aren’t you a lovely person
> 
> Akechi: I’m a ray of fucking sunshine.
> 
> Ann: Guys please
> 
> Ann: Stop flirting
> 
> Yusuke: How would we fund the costumes?
> 
>   
>   
> Haru: Look no further! I can cover it!
> 
> akira: wonderful
> 
> akira: usually, i would say eat the rich, but haru is just to precious
> 
> futaba: you can't eat a cutie pie like haru :00
> 
> futaba: she's too sweet she'll give you cavities
> 
> Haru: Oh, no!!!
> 
> Haru: I promise, I would never knowingly hurt you or your teeth!
> 
> Ann: Exhibit A
> 
> Makoto: However, there is the issue of practicality.
> 
> Makoto: Yes, Akira can run in heels, but is it not safer for him to just... not?
> 
> akira: ok, i knew this would come up, but can i quickly avert your attention to the fact that my metaverse oufit already has three inch heels??
> 
> Ann: Mine are the same!
> 
> Ann: I have no problem running in them, too!
> 
> Yusuke: My own heels are approximately 2 and a half, and I have no issues whatsoever.
> 
> Makoto: Oh. Okay, then.
> 
> Makoto: Proceed.
> 
> futaba: niiiiiiiice >:3
> 
> futaba: ok, now i promise y'all won't be left out, so ryuji gets to dress up as well
> 
> futaba: i know that inari already has an outfit
> 
> ryuji: what
> 
> ryuji: hold up
> 
> Ann: OMG LET ME DO YOUR MAKEUP
> 
> ryuji: wait
> 
> akira: HE'LL BE SO PRETTY
> 
> ryuji: guys
> 
> ryuji: hold on
> 
> Haru: How lovely!!
> 
> ryuji: gUYS
> 
> Akechi: I am sure he'll make a moderately good-looking girl.
> 
> ryuji: WTF MAN NOT U TOO
> 
> Akechi: I am doing this purely driven by hate.
> 
> ryuji: FUCK U TOO THEN
> 
> akira: OH MY GOD GUYS RYUJI SAID FUCK
> 
> ann: HOLY SHIT
> 
> ryuji: GET THE FUCK USED TO IT
> 
> futaba: ryuji can wear ann's uniform
> 
> futaba: i'm sure i have an old cosplay wig somewhere
> 
> Ann: Wait, not my uniform!
> 
> akira: then what will he wear?
> 
> ryuji: MY OWN CLOTHES
> 
> Ann: My catsuit!!
> 
> futaba: Y E S >:D
> 
> akira: SJCBKSLNCSKOCINBS
> 
> akira: ANN I LOVE YOU THAT'S PERFECT
> 
>   
> ryuji: NO
> 
> Akechi: Shh, Ryuji, the adults are talking.
> 
> Yusuke: I must paint this.
> 
> Yusuke: The subtle combination of Ryuji's strong features and the smooth lines of the vinyl catsuit...
> 
> Yusuke: I feel a true masterpiece awaiting my canvas!
> 
> ryuji: subtle?????
> 
> ryuji: bro a bright fuckin red catsuit is not subtle
> 
> futaba: smh ryuji doesn't understand art >:P
> 
> Akechi: Really, now, Ryuji.
> 
> Akechi: Keep your mind open to inspiration.
> 
> ryuji: i will kill u
> 
> akira: bro
> 
> ryuji: DO NOT TRY TO DEFEND UR BAD BOYFRIEND
> 
> Akechi: I am not his boyfriend
> 
> akira: you heard the man
> 
> Ann: I can hear Akira's crying from Shibuya
> 
> futaba: the worlds tiniest violin plays you the smallest sonata, big bro
> 
> Yusuke: I am terribly confused.
> 
> Yusuke: How small must the violin be?
> 
> futaba: inari.....
> 
> akira: it's ok baby you'll get it soon....
> 
> Ann: Oh, Yusuke.....
> 
> ryuji: WHY R WE NOT TALKIN BOUT THE CATSUIT
> 
> Akechi: Can someone please handle the Ryuji-Won't-Stop-Talking situation?
> 
> akira: goro
> 
> akira: my dearly destested
> 
> akira: my most esteemed rival
> 
> akira: you can't just ask us to "take care" of ryuji
> 
> Haru: One cannot simply "take care" of Ryuji.
> 
> ryuji: suck it, u goth bitch
> 
> Akechi: Wow.
> 
> Akechi: Okay.
> 
> akira: ryuji
> 
> akira: my platonic husband
> 
> akira: don't poke the bear
> 
> ryuji: fuck u i do what i want
> 
> futaba: HHHHHHHH
> 
> futaba: HE FUCKIN SNAPPEDDDD
> 
> futaba: FIRST THE F-BOMB NOW THE ANGST
> 
> Makoto: Language.
> 
> Ann: Shh, she's right
> 
> Ann: Ryuji is no longer taking any shit.
> 
> ryuji: u want me to be a pretty gir??
> 
> ryuji: fine
> 
> ryuji: ill be the finest girl uve ever seen
> 
> akira: yes!!!
> 
> akira: accept your power!!!!
> 
> futaba: cue the sailor moon transformation!!!
> 
> Haru: !!!!!
> 
> Haru: This is wonderful!!!!!!
> 
> futaba: omg she's so cute :33
> 
> Makoto: Watch it, Sakura.
> 
> futaba: pssshhh theres nothing to worry about
> 
> futaba: i'm married to hatsune miku
> 
> Akechi: Why am I here
> 
> akira: bc you love us
> 
> Akechi: I most certainly do not.
> 
> akira: yes you dooooo
> 
> Akechi: No.
> 
> Akechi: I really don't.
> 
> akira: come over
> 
> Akechi: What time?
> 
> Ann: JESUS CHRIST THIS IS WHAT I MEANT BY "NO FLIRTING"
> 
> futaba: EWWWWWWW GET A FUCKING ROOM
> 
> ryuji: what did i all tell u????
> 
> Yusuke: I am confused.
> 
> futaba: you're always confused.
> 
> Yusuke: Not always!
> 
> Haru: Well, this does prove that Akechi likes at least one of us!
> 
>   
> Makoto: Haru, ever the optimist.
> 
> Haru: Only for you! <3
> 
> futaba: i feel like i should not be here o-O
> 
> Ann: Me neither.
> 
> Yusuke: I have to agree.
> 
> ryuji: can i get a wahoo from all my single bros??
> 
> Ann: Wahoo.
> 
>   
> Yusuke: "Wahoo".
> 
> futaba: wah fuckin hoo
> 
> ryuji: pancakes i see u typing
> 
> ryuji: ur not single
> 
> ryuji: u cant fool me
> 
> Akechi: Fuck all of you.
> 
> akira: damn, i thought i was special
> 
> futaba: ewww thot
> 
> ryuji: im making a very angry face rn
> 
> ryuji: u cant see it
> 
> ryuji: but it aint happy

  
Futaba looked up from her phone as she heard the tinny sound of knocking on Leblanc’s door through her speaker. She peered over at the device she used to wiretap into the café. Akira came down the stairs, then laughed. 

“I didn’t think you’d actually show up!” He said, opening the door.

Akechi stepped into the café. “I gave you my word, and I have delivered. What did you want me for?”

Akira shrugged. “I didn’t expect you to turn up.” Akechi sighed and ran a hand through his (very bad, no good) hair.

“I’m sure we can think of _something_.”

Futaba made a face and muted the bug. She glanced at the screen, making sure Akechi wasn’t reaching for a gun. No, just Akira’s shirt. Nope, nope, not something she wanted to see. She shut off the monitor and went back to her Stardew Valley. God, Akira had _such_ bad taste in men. Futaba pitied him. His little heart could hold so much love for all the wrong people.

Oh, well. At least he was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i've had this queued to update for MONTHS


	3. Ann Takamaki and the Absolute Worst Thing in the World Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann has a bone to pick.

Ann had a wonderful daily routine she did in the morning.

She would wake up, snooze for fifteen minutes, get up, wash her face (or shower, depending on the alternating days), have breakfast, and either go to school or see if she could hit up the mall.

Unless, of course, she got the Dreaded Text From Her Boss. Today was not one of those days, but oddly, Ann was upset it was not one of those days. She was upset because, little by little, she was being replaced.

Mika was cute, sexy, and a total pain in the ass. She had drive, passion, and literally a vendetta for anyone who breathed.

She glanced down at her phone, checking her calendar. She had absolutely nothing planned today. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Nichego. She could go on.

So, as usual in times of need, she turned to the group chat.

> Ann: Who wants to storm the mall with me??
> 
> Ann: And by that I mean carry my bags and talk shit about a CERTAIN MODEL WHO IS LITERALLY TRYING TO GET ME FIRED!!
> 
> akira: mona is screeching that he would love to
> 
> Ann: But does he have thumbs??
> 
> akira: thank god he doesn’t
> 
> akira: he’d try to choke me into going to sleep at 8PM IN THE FUCKING EVENING
> 
> futaba: >:3
> 
> akira: no
> 
> futaba: ki
> 
> akira: stop it right there
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> akira: why are you like this
> 
> ryuji: yo ann r u talkin bout that cute chick mika??
> 
> Ann: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> akira: yes, she is
> 
> ryuji: ah
> 
> ryuji: what is she like rude or smth
> 
> Ann: She’s satan incarnate.
> 
> Ann: She’s a
> 
> Ann: I can’t even say it.
> 
> akira: we’re here for you, ann
> 
> akira: you can say it
> 
> Ann: She’s a gemini
> 
> akira: oh my god
> 
> futaba: oh no not a gemini :00
> 
> Akechi: And what is so bad about being a Gemini?
> 
> Ann: They’re all two-faced backstabbing snakelike little bitches
> 
> Akechi: Wow.
> 
> akira: goro it’s ok, not all of them
> 
> Ann: YES ALL OF THEM
> 
> akira: ann, baby
> 
> akira: goro’s a gemini
> 
> Ann: WELL THAT EXPLAINS A LOT THEN
> 
> ryuji: yh ngl thats spot on
> 
> Akechi: I am shocked beyond belief that you think I’m snakelike.
> 
> akira: more like foxy ;)
> 
> futaba: get out you hoe >:P
> 
> Akechi: Please, Akira, be professional
> 
> akira: that’s not what you said last night
> 
> Ann: AKIRA STOP TEXTFUCKING THE GEMINI
> 
> akira: ok ok i’ll stop
> 
> Akechi: You know, he’s not usually like this when he’s around me.
> 
> Ann: JFC
> 
> futaba: no wait let the gemini speak
> 
> akira: wait hold on
> 
> ryuji: wdym akechi
> 
> Akechi: I mean, he’s not as confident.
> 
> futaba: omfg
> 
> futaba: this is fucking hilarious
> 
> futaba: you’re telling me….
> 
> ryuji: that kira is shy???
> 
> akira: NO
> 
> Akechi: Quite. It’s very sweet.
> 
> Haru: This is surprisingly wholesome!!
> 
> Haru: I thought this would lead to Futaba-chan pressing Akechi-kun for the more unsavory details.
> 
> futaba: wait are you saying akira’s a bottom
> 
> akira: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS
> 
> futaba: silence bottom
> 
> Haru: I appear to have spoken too soon.
> 
> Akechi: Will neither confirm nor deny.
> 
> akira: babe i trusted you
> 
> Akechi: Well, I am a Gemini.
> 
> Ann: WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU
> 
> Yusuke: Akira, I was not aware you had a bunk bed.
> 
> akira: WELL NOW YOU KNOW
> 
> futaba: you can’t use inari’s innocence to cover up the fact you’re a bottom akira
> 
> akira: WHICH IS WHY I’M NOT
> 
> akira: BECAUSE I AM NOT A BOTTOM
> 
> futaba: sounds like something a bottom would say
> 
> ryuji: bro i had no idea
> 
> akira: aiodfnskldvsdvworbih
> 
> futaba: see?????
> 
> Yusuke: What does Akira smashing his face against his keyboard have to do with bunk beds.
> 
> Makoto: I have no clue what you’re all talking about.
> 
> Haru: Oh, my dear Makoto.
> 
> ryuji: how come haru knows but makoto dont
> 
> futaba: poor makoto
> 
> Ann: CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW NONE OF YOU OFFERED TO COME AND CARRY MY BAGS FOR ME
> 
> akira: ann my love i would
> 
> akira: but i can’t
> 
> Ann: Why??
> 
> akira: can’t
> 
> Ann: You’re no longer my best friend.
> 
> Ann: Yusuke!! You’re my new best friend.
> 
> Ann: Come to the mall with me!!
> 
> Yusuke: I would accompany you, Ann.
> 
> Yusuke: But sadly, I have fallen and I can’t quite get up.
> 
> akira: WHAT
> 
> ryuji: bro r u ok
> 
> Yusuke: Oh, I’m fine.
> 
> Yusuke: Just a tiny bit dizzy.
> 
> Akechi: Yusuke, is it possible you have low blood sugar?
> 
> Yusuke: Sugar? Why would I have blood in my sugar? I don't even have sugar.
> 
> futaba: oh my god
> 
> futaba: how is he still alive
> 
> Haru: Yusuke!!!
> 
> Haru: What Have I told you about not eating??
> 
> Yusuke: Pain is art.
> 
> Haru: No!!!!
> 
> Haru: Bad Yusuke!!!!
> 
> futaba: inari fucking died
> 
> ryuji: wait guys r we not gonna help him
> 
> Yusuke: I do not need assistance.
> 
> Yusuke: It is quite nice to lay on the floor.
> 
> Yusuke: I’ve been on my feet since Monday.
> 
> akira: OH MY GOD
> 
> akira: YUSUKE THAT’S 48 HOURS
> 
> Haru: Yusuke I am coming over with food and water and you will eat and drink both of them
> 
> futaba: oh shit haru’s mad
> 
> Akechi: Oh, fuck
> 
> futaba: even the gemini is scared
> 
> akira: that’s what he deserves
> 
> Akechi: You’re not still upset about that, now, are you?
> 
> akira: :/
> 
> Akechi: I guess you don’t want that sweater I bought that’s not my style.
> 
> akira:mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
> 
> akira: what kind of sweater
> 
> Akechi: It’s rather oversized.
> 
> Akechi: I wore it once.
> 
> akira: you mean???  
> akira: THAT sweater?????
> 
> Akechi: I might.
> 
> akira: MMMMMMMMMMMMM
> 
> futaba: lmao
> 
> Akechi: I’m sure you don’t want it, though.
> 
> akira: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> Akechi: I guess it’ll just sit here, collecting dust at my apartment.
> 
> akira: god FINE i’m coming over
> 
> Akechi: :)
> 
> futaba: that’s the first time i’ve ever seen that bastard use an emoticon
> 
> futaba: it holds power in its tiny, threatening smile
> 
> ryuji: akechi u scare me
> 
> Akechi: Just how I like it.
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> Akechi: I regret everything that comes from your mouth for you.
> 
> Makoto: You learn to get used to it.
> 
> Makoto: They’re all rather strange, but then again, so am I.
> 
> Akechi: How so?
> 
> Makoto: I’ve been written to cater as a “waifu” to the target audience of young males watching/playing the content, but also as a “strong female character” to attract more young females to the content. Both of those personalities contrast, therefore making me a contradictory character written to appease two sides of an audience that therefore make all of my feminist undertones meaningless as I cater to a male audience as the "perfect girl", who is shy and gentle around the main, male, character but strong everywhere else. My character arc is inconsistent, therefore making me a very badly fleshed out character.
> 
> Akechi: What?
> 
> Makoto: What?
> 
> Haru: Yusuke has been revived!!
> 
> [Haru sent an image to the group chat]
> 
> Ann: Awwwwwww
> 
> Ann: Y’all look so cute having a tea party
> 
> Haru: Thank you, Ann-chan!
> 
> akira: i can hear makoto’s jealous seething from Kichijoji.
> 
> Ann: How are you there already????
> 
> Makoto: I am not jealous!
> 
> Haru: Mako-chan, I much prefer our tea parties!
> 
> Haru: No offense to Yusuke.
> 
> Yusuke: None taken.
> 
> Makoto: Aw, Haru.
> 
> ryuji: u all r mushy
> 
> futaba: sounds like ryuji’s jealous
> 
> ryuji: am not
> 
> futaba: are too
> 
> ryuji: am not
> 
> futaba: are too
> 
> Akechi: Stop it, you two.
> 
> futaba: :P don’t tell me what to do you egg
> 
> ryuji: yh!!
> 
> Ann: OH MY GOD EVERYONE SHUT UP
> 
> Ann: MIKA HACKED INTO MY EMAIL
> 
> Akechi: I know a Mika.
> 
> Ann: OH GOD OF COURSE YOU DO
> 
> Ann: IS SHE A MODEL
> 
> Akechi: Yes, actually.
> 
> futaba: oop
> 
> ryuji: that is the deadest meme
> 
> futaba: no u
> 
> Makoto: She hacked into your email?!
> 
> Ann: THANK YOU MAKOTO FOR PAYING ATTENTION
> 
> Ann: SHE EMAILED MY BOSS TO TELL HIM I’LL BE TAKING INDEFINITE LEAVE FOR INJURY
> 
> Ann: I’M NOT EVEN INJURED
> 
> akira: yet
> 
> ryuji: omfg ann what if shes planning to hurt u
> 
> Akechi: That does sound like Mika.
> 
> Haru: She will not get close to you.
> 
> Ann: HOLY SHIT
> 
> Ann: WHAT IF SHE’S GONNA PUSH ME DOWN SOME STAIRS
> 
> Akechi: That’s plausible.
> 
> Ann: OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT HELPING
> 
> ryuji: ann i will be ur bodyguard
> 
> ryuji: us blondes gotta look out for each other
> 
> futaba: weren’t you fighting over who got to be Number One Blonde?
> 
> Makoto: Yes, two chapters ago.
> 
> futaba: what?
> 
> Makoto: What?
> 
> ryuji: im coming over ann
> 
> ryuji: mika could b anywhere
> 
> Ann: I DON’T WANT TO DIE MY BOOBS ARE TOO CUTE

Ann peered out the window of her room, chewing her thumbnail. A knock at the door sounded. She bounded over, looking through the peephole. Ryuji stood outside, a bag in his hand. She opened the door.

“‘Sup. I brought _Clueless_ , _The Breakfast Club_ , _But I’m A Cheerleader_ , _10 Things I Hate About You_ , and _The Craft_.” He said, walking past her and kicking off his shoes. Ann’s eyes swelled with happy tears.

“Ryuji! Those are my favorite English movies!” She squealed, launching to hug him. Ryuji rubbed the back of his neck, smiling.

“That’s why I brought them.”

They settled on the couch, eating ice cream from the tub. The credits rolled in, and Ann forgot all about the death threat (?) she was sent by some nasty Gemini girl with a penchant for acting like she was innocent when she was _really_ fucking not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have nothing against geminis, i promise


	4. Yusuke Kitagawa and the Great Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yusuke discovers tumblr.

Yusuke Kitagawa was a simple young man with simple needs. He didn’t often find himself wanting anything apart from food and art supplies, but he did find himself chastising his reflection in the mirror when he wanted those things.  
“Yusuke, you must cease this endless greed! You must not use your art for your own gain.” He said, sternly wagging a finger at the reflection. It did the same.  
He sighed, then looked around his studio. If he could call it that. The floorboards were splintering in a corner from where he kept moving his easel to catch the light (he hadn’t yet paid the electricity bill, so he required the sunlight), the bases of the walls were splattered with paint, and the stacked canvases were starting to pile up. If Yusuke hit rock bottom, the floor must have gave out, because now he was below it. His phone lit up, a small chime echoing through the (mostly empty) atelier. 

> Ann: Good news!  
> Ann: I’m not dead!
> 
> akira: oh that is good news
> 
> ryuji: thanks 2 me
> 
> Ann: Yes, thanks to Ryuji
> 
> ryuji: omg i was kiddin but thank u ann  
> ryuji: u never agree w me, but u did  
> ryuji: this is the best day ever
> 
> Ann: Ryuji, you literally could’ve just said you wanted me to be nice to you
> 
> ryuji: well yh but ur funny when ur pissed lmao
> 
> Ann: Shut the fuck up
> 
> ryuji: see??
> 
> futaba: this is what i wake up to   
> futaba: every fucking day
> 
> Akechi: Why have you woken up at 3pm?
> 
> futaba: pulled an all nighter  
> futaba: tumblr needed to hear about the geese
> 
> akira: the geese?
> 
> futaba: the geese
> 
> akira: what about...  
> akira: what about the geese?
> 
> futaba: you’ll need to follow my tumblr to find out
> 
> ryuji: i am not touching that hellsite
> 
> Yusuke: What is so bad about Tumblr?
> 
> futaba: absolutely nothing why don’t you make an account???
> 
> ryuji: yusuke no
> 
> akira: yusuke this is a bad idea
> 
> Haru: Actually, why not?
> 
> Haru: We cannot shelter Yusuke forever.
> 
> Akechi: Is Tumblr the best way to start, though?
> 
> Makoto: I mean…  
> Makoto: It should be fine?
> 
> Yusuke: Where am I to sign up?
> 
> futaba: here’s a link 
> 
> [futaba sent a link to the group chat]
> 
> Yusuke: Alright. 
> 
> ryuji: rip inari  
> ryuji: he was so young  
> ryuji: and so weirdly pretty
> 
> akira: ryuji is this a confession???
> 
> Ann: Omg
> 
> Akechi: Poor Yusuke. 
> 
> ryuji: fuck u i make a great boyfriend  
> ryuji: better than u at least 
> 
> Akechi: Oh, really?
> 
> Akechi: I beg to differ.
> 
> ryuji: then beg u wet sock
> 
> Akechi: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
> 
>   
> futaba: KDSGNOGBNJDK  
> futaba: AKIRA COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND HE’S TEARING RYUJI APART
> 
> akira: he’s not my boyfriend
> 
> Akechi: I’m not?
> 
> Akechi: I guess the sweater meant nothing to you.
> 
> futaba: omfg  
> futaba: akira?
> 
> ryuji: he’s dead  
> ryuji: it’s been 2 mins   
> ryuji: he usually replies in secs
> 
> Ann: Akechi broke Akira
> 
> futaba: in more ways than one i’m sure ;)
> 
> akira: you disgust me
> 
> futaba: he lives!!!
> 
> akira: goro   
> akira: you literally did not say anything
> 
> Akechi: Yes, I did.
> 
> akira: making noises does not equal actual words
> 
> Ann: TMI
> 
> Ann: BACK THE FUCK UP
> 
> Haru: Well, I congratulate you two!!  
> Haru: You finally got over yourselves and accepted that you’re doomed to each other!!
> 
> ryuji: pfft
> 
> futaba: haru is so fuckin done
> 
> Akechi: I did no such thing.   
> Akechi: Akira has been practically tripping over himself to spend time with me. 
> 
> Makoto: I would hate to interrupt the obviously very important argument here.  
> Makoto: But Yusuke has been missing for a good ten minutes.
> 
> ryuji: i told u all  
> ryuji: he’s prolly dying
> 
> futaba: nah, more like foaming at the mouth in the corner of his studio
> 
> akira: no, it’s most likely he’s fainted.
> 
> Akechi: Or just wasted away from starvation.   
> Akechi: I swear, one could snap that boy in half with one’s bare hands.
> 
> ryuji: stay tf away from yusuke u shaggy little bitch
> 
> Akechi: I do not like you.
> 
> akira: ryuji don’t call goro a bitch
> 
> ryuji: bro…..  
> ryuji: ur picking favorites…..
> 
> akira: hush, im not done yet  
> akira: goro, don’t snap my artist friend in half.
> 
> ryuji: bro……
> 
> akira: bro……  
> akira: i could never replace you….
> 
> ryuji: bro….  
> ryuji: ilysm dude….
> 
> akira: ilyt bro……
> 
> Akechi: Alright, alright, I’m sorry I threatened to break Yusuke in half.   
> Akechi: Just stop whatever you’re doing with Ryuji.
> 
> akira: you mean  
> akira: friendship?
> 
> futaba: PFFT-  
> futaba: GOROBOY CAN’T HANDLE THE FACT AKIRA SAID I LOVE YOU TO RYUJI AND NOT HIM
> 
> Akechi: You are on thin fucking ice.
> 
> akira: babe you’re jealous?  
> akira: aww don’t be  
> akira: you’re always the only one in my heart  
> akira: …. and in my pants
> 
> Ann: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS
> 
> Akechi: That’s reassuring?
> 
> akira: i know, no need to thank me
> 
> Yusuke: I   
> Yusuke: I have seen many things
> 
> ryuji: inari r u ok
> 
> futaba: lmao inari’s fuckin dead
> 
> Yusuke: I am not dead.   
> Yusuke: Just a little…  
> Yusuke: Dazed.
> 
> Haru: What did you see, Yusuke-kun?
> 
> Makoto: Oh, God. 
> 
> Yusuke: There were a lot of scantily clad anime catgirls.  
> Yusuke: And Shrek.  
> Yusuke: So much Shrek.
> 
> futaba: oh he’s ok for now
> 
> Yusuke: An astounding number of pining lesbians. they were all very pleasant.
> 
> Haru: See?
> 
> Haru: Nothing to be afraid of! :)
> 
> futaba: does haru have a tumbrl account??
> 
> Haru: Perhaps.... :)
> 
> ryuji: i bet its one of those wholesome ones  
> ryuji: uno like  
> ryuji: baking bread w my wife
> 
> futaba: i’m looking it up
> 
> Haru: Hold on one moment
> 
> futaba: too late, i’ve already 
> 
> akira: .... 
> 
> ryuji: ....
> 
> akira: she’s been typing for a while now, hasn’t she?
> 
> Haru: Oh, dear.
> 
> Makoto: Why are we bringing up Haru’s tumblr account?  
> Makoto: I mentioned it in front of my sister once and she refused to talk to her for a week.
> 
> futaba: it’s a gore account 
> 
> Akechi: Pray tell, what does that mean?
> 
> akira: it’s uhhhhh
> 
> ryuji: it’s like ahhhh
> 
> futaba: she posts pics of raw meat, people’s guts, and a very unnerving amount of beheadings.
> 
> Akechi: I  
> Akechi: I see?
> 
> ryuji: for once in his life  
> ryuji: he doesnt have anything 2 say
> 
> Haru: I can explain
> 
> Yusuke: My question is where do you find all of these??
> 
> Haru: It has a very logical explanation, if you’d just let me explain
> 
> futaba: uno i thought i’d seen it all  
> futaba: apparently fucking not
> 
> Makoto: I did warn you, Haru.  
> Makoto: Anything you put on the internet never goes away.
> 
> Haru: I do suppose you’re correct. 
> 
> Makoto: Anyway, I was just saying that we all should be more careful on the internet, or this particular fic will have to be marked as Mature, and we really don’t want that.
> 
> akira: what?
> 
> Makoto: What?
> 
> Yusuke: Haru, you have a very detailed anatomical drawing of a skeleton on your dash.  
> Yusuke: I do believe I have been struck by inspiration!!
> 
> Ann: Aaaand he’s gone  
> Ann: Also, Haru are you okay? You sound like you want to tell us something.
> 
> Haru: Ah. I do, as a matter of fact.   
> Haru: I’m afraid the thrill of battle in the Metaverse has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I find myself longing for my axe at times. Without the Phantom Thieves, I’m just Haru. I used to be Noir, who was powerful, useful, and... well, interesting!   
> Haru: I fear that I have become boring and useless after the Metaverse disappeared.  
> Haru: My blog helps with that, a little. 
> 
> ryuji: haru.....
> 
> akira: thank you for sharing.  
> akira: i’m glad that you trust us.
> 
> Haru: Oh, of course I trust you!  
> Haru: You are all my closest, dearest friends and I wouldn’t trade anything for you all!
> 
> Makoto: Aw, Haru. 
> 
> futaba: she’s a keeper, niijima
> 
> Makoto: Watch it, runt.
> 
> futaba: okok yes ma’am 
> 
> Akechi: That was very profound. I feel as if I can relate as well.   
> Akechi: Having other people rely on me was... Not unpleasant. With the Metanav gone, I’m unsure as to how I can get that feeling to manifest again.
> 
> akira: goro, you’re our friend. our teammate. 
> 
> Akechi: Teammates?! Friends?! To hell with that!!
> 
> ryuji: PFFFTT  
> ryuji: HES STILL GOT IT
> 
> Akechi: Damn right, I do.   
> Akechi: You’d be surprised at how many dramatic monologues i’ve had to improvise.
> 
> Ann: No not really
> 
> futaba: yeah, seems legit
> 
> Akechi: ...?
> 
> Ann: You literally never stop talking.   
> Ann: Like, even when you were on our team in Maruki’s palace, you literally never stopped monologuing
> 
> futaba: or commenting on how you wanna get railed by akira when he’s enraged
> 
> Akechi: Didn’t we have a bonding moment two seconds ago?  
> Akechi: The second I reveal my heart to you, you betray me and interrogate me about my sex life?
> 
> futaba: it’s business baby  
> futaba: bada bing bada boom
> 
> akira: goro you think i’m hot when i’m angry?
> 
> Ann: jfc it never stops
> 
> Akechi: I  
> Akechi: Well  
> Akechi: yes
> 
> ryuji: there dude that wasnt so hard  
> ryuji: all u gotta do is accept ur gay ass is whipped for kira
> 
> Akechi: I am leaving this group chat and taking a nice walk into an active volcano 
> 
> futaba: do a flip 
> 
> Yusuke: I HAVE DONE IT
> 
> akira: done what????
> 
> Ann: Why’s he in all caps?
> 
> Yusuke: CREATED  
> Yusuke: A MASTERPIECE 
> 
> futaba: omfg he’s done one of his speed paintings again  
> futaba: do you have any clue how horrifying it is to even think about him pouring his entire soul into a canvas that should have taken weeks but instead takes minutes????
> 
> ryuji: someone’s jealous their sonic oc didn’t win a dtiys 
> 
> futaba: quiet you walnut

  
Yusuke stepped back from the canvas, paint coating the sleeves of his shirt. On the easel lay a huge scale panorama of a menagerie of skeletons, all surrounded by flowering nature. Yusuke sighed proudly, then fell backward onto his futon, bringing up tumblr.  
The website was so strange, yet Yusuke couldn’t help but open it every single time. He clicks his tongue disapprovingly. Even after his fifteen minute masterpiece, Yusuke was blinded by material possessions.   
Woe was him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i was so mad at atlus for not letting me keep yusuke. i would have cooked curry for that ridiculous lanky boy every morning but atlus is COWARDLY


	5. Sumire Yoshizawa and her Long-Awaited Revolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sumire finds out about the group chat.

Sumire Yoshizawa was going to figure this out. She knew that somewhere, there was a group chat that she was not on. She couldn’t explain the feeling, but it’s almost like she had been… Forgotten. It was rather rude. She could tell Futaba was feeling guilty, because she kept leaving small gifts on her Animal Crossing island (which has 5 stars, by the way). Futaba was notorious for leaving nasty “presents” everywhere on other peoples’ islands. She committed this moral crime with glee. However, she never gave Sumire anything awful. It was usually something like a flower, or a nice butterfly. Sumire had to admit, it was kind of cute. But she would _never_ admit it to Futaba’s face! She would hate to ruin their friendship like that, and part of her refused to flirt with someone who was hiding a group chat from her. She wondered why she hadn’t been added yet. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Futaba’s room, the tiny ginger-haired girl was frantically typing into her phone. 

>   
> futaba: GUYS WHERE IS SUMI
> 
> akira: …………
> 
> Akechi: I was wondering that, myself. I thought you all were friends with her before me, yet I was added first. 
> 
> akira: yeah…….
> 
> akira: about that…..
> 
> Makoto: He forgot to add her and feels guilty about it each passing second. 
> 
> Makoto: He goes to add her every time, but pauses and thinks it’s too late. 
> 
> akira: i’m sorry
> 
> ryuji: bro just add her
> 
> ryuji: she’s my jock friend
> 
> Ann:They run together now and then.
> 
> Ann: It’s cute. 
> 
> Ann: I didn’t think Ryuji could make friends without pissing them off first.
> 
> ryuji: takamaki i will end u
> 
> Ann: Mind your fucking manners Sakamoto
> 
> Makoto: Stop squabbling, you’re not children!
> 
> Haru: Mako-chan, I’m afraid that they are…
> 
> Makoto: You know what I mean!
> 
> akira: should i just….
> 
> akira: add her?????
> 
> futaba: I’M DOING IT BACK OFF
> 
> futaba: THIS IS MY CHANCE
> 
> futaba: I’VE BEEN FLIRTING WITH HER FOR AGES OVER ANIMAL CROSSING AND I JUST CAN’T GET THROUGH TO HER
> 
> Akechi: Sparing someone from cyberbullying doesn’t count as flirting, Futaba.
> 
> futaba: NEITHER DOES MURDER BUT I WASN’T GONNA GO THERE
> 
> Akechi: Low blow. 
> 
> [futaba added Sumire]
> 
> Sumire: Aha!!
> 
> Sumire: I knew it!!
> 
> akira: hey sumi…..
> 
> Sumire: Senpai, I demand an explanation!!
> 
> akira: IM SORRY I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE TOO LATE 
> 
> ryuji: shame on u bro
> 
> futaba: for shame
> 
> Ann: shame
> 
> Yusuke: Honestly, you should be ashamed.
> 
> Makoto: I am ashamed for you.
> 
> Haru: Shame!!
> 
> Akechi: Yes, Akira.  
> Akechi: For shame.
> 
> akira: i’m sorryyyyyyyyyy
> 
> Sumire: I accept your apology, Senpai. 
> 
> Sumire: Next time, I will simply kick you, gently, in the shin.
> 
> futaba: but only gently bc you bones are too pleasant to crunch
> 
> akira: what does that MEAN
> 
> Ann: Sumire, how long have you known about the group chat?  
> 
> 
> Sumire: Oh, ever since I started peering over Futaba’s shoulder when she giggles at her phone. 
> 
> Ann: Ah
> 
>   
> Akechi: Wow, you all are horrible.
> 
> Akechi: Excluding such a nice girl like Sumire from a group chat.
> 
> Akechi: You know, this could be called bullying in some cases
> 
> ryuji: u narc u don’t even like sumi
> 
> Akechi: Actually, we had brunch the other day. 
> 
> Sumire: Yes! Goro-senpai is really very nice under all of the grumpiness 
> 
> ryuji: what the fuck
> 
> akira: bro i thought you knew??  
> akira: goro and sumi are like really close
> 
> Ann: I HAVE UNCOVERED KNOWLEDGE THAT I DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED?
> 
> Makoto: I was unaware that Akechi had the social skills to make someone like him. 
> 
> Akechi: Wow, Niijima, fuck you.
> 
> Akechi: I literally had a fanbase willing to trespass on private property just for my autograph for two years.
> 
> Akechi: At one point, you all thought I was cute.
> 
> Ann: He has a point….
> 
> Yusuke: Akechi is rather socially adept. 
> 
> Yusuke: Even I can see that.
> 
> Akechi: Thank you, Yusuke. 
> 
> akira: goro is scary good at keeping up conversations with people
> 
> akira: like you’d think he’d scare the shit out of sumi, but they go shopping together on wednesdays. 
> 
> Sumire: That’s right!
> 
> Ann: I had no clue you two were so close
> 
> Akechi: What do you mean?  
> Akechi: I’m very friendly with her.
> 
> Haru: Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen Akechi-kun call Sumire-chan pathetic.
> 
> ryuji: kechi what’s ur definition of friendly
> 
> Akechi: Being polite, obivously.
> 
> Akechi: Also, call me that nickname again, and I will break your fingers. 
> 
> ryuji: sit down edgelord
> 
> futaba: PFFT LMAO EDGELORD 
> 
> akira: goro shows affection via excluding you from his snide comments.
> 
> Makoto: That explains a lot. 
> 
> Sumire: Don’t be mean to him!!
> 
> Sumire: He can be very gentle!!!
> 
> ryuji: HA
> 
> Yusuke: Aha! Inspiration strikes!  
> Yusuke: I shall draw Akechi portraying gentle innocence!
> 
> Akechi: Absolutely fucking not.
> 
> Yusuke: Alright…..
> 
> futaba: aw man you just crushed his dreams
> 
> Akechi: I can crush much more than his dreams, I assureyou
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> akira: futaba so help me god i will literally kill you
> 
> futaba: >:3c
> 
> Sumire: No!!! Don’t kill her!!!
> 
> akira: you cannot control me 
> 
> Makoto: But I can.  
> Makoto: Don’t kill Futaba. 
> 
> Makoto: We need her. 
> 
> futaba: uwu mommykoto is hawt when shwe gwets angwy
> 
> Makoto: Never mind. 
> 
> Haru: Futaba-chan, it would be wise to apologize.
> 
> futaba: hehe i’m an atrocity to god
> 
> futaba: i can’t apologize without bursting into flames
> 
> Sumire:Futaba-chan >:(
> 
> futaba: sorry :((((
> 
> futaba: i’ll stop uwuing. 
> 
> akira: sumi you are a blessing upon this earth
> 
> Akechi: I have never seen someone shut Futaba up so quickly. 
> 
> Akechi: Well done, Sumire. 
> 
> Sumire: Thank you Goro-senpai! :))
> 
> futaba: this is treason
> 
> akira: not if you were never queen to begin with 
> 
> futaba: bold of you to assume i’m not royalty 
> 
> Sumire: Down with the bourgeoisie!!
> 
> akira: that’s RIGHT
> 
> akira: god i love this girl
> 
> Akechi: Ahem.
> 
> futaba: ahem
> 
> akira: sorry sorry
> 
> Sumire: Eat the rich!!
> 
> futaba: well if it’s you doing it, i wouldn’t mind 
> 
> Makoto: Futaba!
> 
> ryuji: i thought she was meant 2 b bad at flirting 
> 
> Sumire: I have no clue what that means, but i’m taking it as a compliment!
> 
> Akechi: Akira, you cannot let Futaba win her conquest.
> 
> Akechi: It would ruin her.
> 
> futaba: hehe im a little gay goblin you cannot tell me what to do you cashew
> 
> Akechi: Stop insulting me with nuts.
> 
> ryuji: lmao kechi said nuts
> 
> Ann: I am so embarrassed to be your friend.
> 
> ryuji: bc i’m cooler than u??
> 
> Ann: No, because you haven’t matured since the age of nine.
> 
> Makoto: Harsh.
> 
> Akechi: But true.
> 
> Haru: Don’t be mean!! Ryuj is a ray of sunshine!!
> 
> Akechi: He’s far too dim.
> 
> ryuji: wow fuck u man
> 
> akira: back off, bro
> 
> akira: bro code, don’t fuck your bro’s partner
> 
> ryuji: sorry bro
> 
> ryuji: go fuck urself
> 
> akira: better! 
> 
> futaba: you peasants are squabbling amongst yourselves, but little do you know, i have regained power as supreme ruler of all that breathes!!!
> 
> akira: what if i hold my breath
> 
> futaba: idk the details in the contract are fuzzy
> 
> futaba: BUT BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS
> 
> futaba: BOW BEFORE YOUR QUEEN
> 
> Sumire: No!
> 
> Sumire: Never again will I bow to someone! I am no peasant, I am the pinnacle of justice! I spit in the face of your tyranny!
> 
> Akechi: I taught her that, you know.
> 
> Ann: Figures.
> 
> Sumire: Now, my brethren!
> 
> Sumire: We must rebel! Are you with me??
> 
> akira: aye aye captain!
> 
> ryuji: sure thing dude
> 
> Ann: Why not?
> 
> Akechi: Fuck it, yes.
> 
> Makoto: I’m not one for chaos, but there is no harm in contributing.
> 
> Haru: Yes!! We shall water this land with the blood our enemies and feed its crops with the marrow we suck from their bones!!!!
> 
> Yusuke: I fell asleep.
> 
> Yusuke: What’s going on?
> 
> Haru: The revolution, Yusuke!!
> 
> Haru: The day the rivers run red and the oceans boil will a sanguine glow!!!!
> 
> Sumire: My sword is the beacon of hope!!
> 
> futaba: i didnt expect this and now i’m falling deeper in love
> 
> futaba: she’s such a nerd i love her
> 
> Yusuke: I think I’m going to go back to bed.
> 
> Sumire: Noooooo!!!!!!
> 
> Haru: A deserter!!! 
> 
> Haru: I shall make quick work of him with my battle-axe!
> 
> akira: DONT HURT MY ART HUSBAND
> 
> Akechi: Wow. I’ve practically been forgotten. That was quick. 
> 
> Akechi: Do it, Haru.
> 
> akira: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO RETURN TO YOUR HOMICIDAL TENDENCIES, BABE
> 
> Akechi: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 
> 
> Makoto: What is going on?
> 
> futaba: im being overthrown is what’s going on
> 
> futaba: my empire just got nerfed by a LARPing jock
> 
> Sumire: I did it for my people!
> 
> Ann: Is this how people flirt nowadays?
> 
> Ann: God I feel old 
> 
> Makoto: You think you feel old?
> 
> Makoto: Look at me!
> 
> Ann: I can’t
> 
> Ann: We’re texting 
> 
> Makoto: It’s a figure of speech, Ann...
> 
> ryuji: u know what they say
> 
> ryuji: blondes r dumb
> 
> Ann: I am going to drown you Ryuji
> 
> ryuji: u can try, ann
> 
> futaba: you’re blonde, ryuji
> 
> ryuji: yh but i’m hot
> 
> Akechi: Really? 
> 
> Yusuke: Ryuji is rather attractive.
> 
> Yusuke: Would you be interested in a painting of yourself, Ryuji?
> 
> ryuji: yh sure
> 
> ryuji: someone FINALLY appreciates the fact i’m hot
> 
> Yusuke: Wonderful, I’m on my way.
> 
> Yusuke: It’d be best if you stripped while I made my way over to you, unless you’re comfortable doing it in front of me?
> 
> ryuji: WHAT
> 
> akira: dude you know when yusuke offers to paint you, he usually means all of you
> 
> Akechi: You walked right into that one, Sakamoto.
> 
> ryuji: just to anger u, i’m doing it
> 
> ryuji: yusuke come right over i’ll strip for u
> 
> futaba: a sentence i didn’t need to see or know existed
> 
> Sumire: This sounds like the beginning of a romance manga!
> 
> futaba: or a short porn movie
> 
> akira: why do you know these things????????
> 
> futaba: i rule the internet, loser

Sumire grinned as she stared down at the screen. It was nice to be included, especially when it was Futaba who invited her in. She sighed happily and flopped down onto her bed. Futaba was _really_ cute. One day, Sumire would tell her. One day, she’d ask her out, and they’d go on the best date ever!

They’d head to Dome Town, to ride on the rollercoasters and eat so much candy floss they’d feel sick! And then, they’d ride on the ferris wheel, and when they reached the top, Sumire would kiss her-

“No! Bad Sumire! Stop fantasizing about your friend!” She sighed, then looked out her window to watch the stars. 

Somewhere out there, Futaba was watching the stars, too. That was enough for her to keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might fuck around and turn this into a ryukita fic


	6. Ryuji Sakamoto and the Wager that Changed Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji takes a bet.   
> Makoto is homophobic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh  
> neon genesis evangelion spoilers???? you can skip this chap if you don't want to see them???  
> literally do not even talk to me about that show??????  
> i hated it SO MUCH????????
> 
> oh and don't worry makoto isn't actually homophobic

Ryuji Sakamoto didn’t think he let words get under his skin too much. God, was he wrong. Akechi is exactly the kind of person to piss him off so much, he’d turn down a million yen just to punch him in the face. He couldn’t stand the guy. Anything he said, Ryuji was _sure_ to do the opposite.

When Ryuji gets back from his run, he immediately hops in the shower. The hot water is exactly what he needs after the surprise rain he stumbled into on his usual loop around Inokashira. His thoughts drift off to the last time he had a really good meal. It was when Yusuke called, saying he didn’t have any money left for food. Obviously, Ryuji took him out to get ramen in Ogikubo. That’s just what friends do. In fact, he walked Yusuke home after they finished because, again, that’s what friends do. And, after that, Ryuji walked home by himself, wondering why the coldness of his right shoulder was so prominent. Yusuke leaned close to him on the train, smelling like fresh cotton, paint, and rain. Ryuji wished he was still there, leaning against his shoulder because that’s what friends do.

Wait.

_Shit_.

> futaba: bitch what the fuck do you mean “kaworu doesn’t count as a love interest”
> 
> Makoto: Well, he’s only there for one episode.
> 
> Makoto: Meanwhile, we meet Rei in the first episode.
> 
> futaba: REI IS HIS FREAKIN MOM
> 
> Makoto: Well, technically, she’s not.
> 
> Akechi: If you have to use the word technically, then you know you have a problem.
> 
> akira: also kaworu explicitly said he loved shinji
> 
> Makoto: No, he didn’t.
> 
> Makoto: He said that he “liked” him.
> 
> futaba: oh my god she watched the netflix dub
> 
> Sumire: What’s wrong with the Netflix dub?
> 
> Ann: More like what ISN’T wrong with the Netflix dub
> 
> futaba: sumire
> 
> futaba: i love you
> 
> futaba: but the netflix dub is like getting a medal for showing up
> 
> Sumire: Netflix is a bitch
> 
> Akechi: what the fuck did you say
> 
> Akechi: who taught her that
> 
> akira: no no she has a point
> 
> ryuji: wtf r u all talkin about
> 
> futaba: neon genesis evangelion
> 
> Makoto: I stand by the point that Kaworu doesn’t really count as a love interest.
> 
> Ann: Makoto is homophobic
> 
> Makoto: Ann, I’m a lesbian.
> 
> futaba: makoto is homophobic
> 
> akira: omg makoto is homophobic
> 
> Akechi: Makoto is homophobic
> 
> Makoto: I thought you were more mature than this.
> 
> Sumire: Makoto is homophobic
> 
> ryuji: makoto is homophobic
> 
> Makoto: You weren’t even here for the debate.
> 
> Akechi: Ryuji lacks the intelligence to make his own decisions, and therefore goes with the crowd.
> 
> ryuji: fuck u
> 
> ryuji: i just saw u all ganging up on makoto and wanted 2 join
> 
> Akechi: Case and point.
> 
> akira: babe don’t be mean :(
> 
> Akechi: It’s my main personality trait.
> 
> Akechi: The rest is just pleasantries.
> 
> Yusuke: Makoto is homophobic.
> 
> futaba: hes a little confused but he’s got the spirit
> 
> Haru: Mako-chan, I can’t believe you’ve been hiding such a large secret from me!
> 
> Makoto: Haru, not you too...
> 
> Haru: You should have told me you’re homophobic!
> 
> Haru: We could have given you the help you needed to get better!
> 
> futaba: lmfao she just got nerfed by her own gf
> 
> Makoto: At least mine knows she’s my girlfriend.
> 
> futaba: momkoto didn’t have to go that hard but she did
> 
> akira: rip futaba
> 
> Sumire: I hope your imaginary girlfriend becomes your girlfriend soon!
> 
> futaba: god me too
> 
> futaba: she’s really cute, but she’s dense as fuck
> 
> Sumire: Wow, that must be difficult for you!
> 
> futaba: uhuh
> 
> Akechi: How come she has the courage to ask me, a hitman, about my personal information, but not enough to ask out a girl who already likes her?
> 
> futaba: her
> 
> futaba: her economy is in shambles
> 
> ryuji: bro just ask her
> 
> ryuji: that’s what i would do
> 
> Yusuke: You seem like the type who would be forward during courtship.
> 
> Akechi: Really?
> 
> Akechi: He seems like the type to suppress it until it disappears.
> 
> Akechi: Like a coward.
> 
> ryuji: fuck u!!
> 
> Akechi: No, thank you.
> 
> Akechi: Your best friend has me covered.
> 
> akira: as hot as this is,
> 
> akira: goro leave ryuji be
> 
> Ann: TMI HOLY SHIT
> 
> futaba: what
> 
> futaba: it’s not like we already knew akira’s bad boy kink
> 
> akira: shut the up
> 
> futaba: lmao
> 
> futaba: shut the up
> 
> Haru: Shut the up
> 
> akira: haru......
> 
> Makoto: Shut the up.
> 
> akira: MAKOTO???
> 
> akira: wait no i deserved that
> 
> Makoto: Yes.
> 
> Makoto: You did.
> 
> ryuji: no no we r not done
> 
> ryuji: kechi couldn’t b more wrong about me
> 
> Akechi: Oh?
> 
> Yusuke: I agree.
> 
> Yusuke: You’re not a coward, Ryuji.
> 
> Yusuke: You’re very brave.
> 
> ryuji: bro i could kiss u
> 
> akira: i guess you just bro-cheated on me
> 
> ryuji: for yusuke bro
> 
> ryuji: who wouldn’t cheat for yusuke
> 
> akira: true
> 
> Akechi: What?
> 
> akira: tell me honestly you wouldn’t cheat for yusuke
> 
> Ann: Tbh, I’d smooch Yusk
> 
> Ann: Even tho I’m gay.
> 
> Yusuke: That is very flattering, but I must decline.
> 
> Yusuke: I am not attracted to you
> 
> Ann: That’s fine just break my heart </3
> 
> akira: ouch
> 
> futaba: yikes
> 
> futaba: ann just got destroyed
> 
> Akechi: He is rather pretty.
> 
> ryuji: shut up u already have akira
> 
> Akechi: Oh, so I’m not allowed to call someone else pretty?
> 
> ryuji: if u like yusuke that much
> 
> ryuji: y don’t u ask him out??
> 
> Yusuke: Pardon?
> 
> Akechi: Why don’t you?
> 
> ryuji: FINE
> 
> ryuji: YUSUKE
> 
> ryuji: U ND ME AT RAMEN IN AN HOUR
> 
> ryuji: THEN WE WATCH A MOVIE AT MY HOUSE
> 
> Yusuke: Alright.
> 
> akira: ....
> 
> futaba: ...
> 
> Ann: ...
> 
> ryuji: what???
> 
> Akechi: ...
> 
> Haru: ...
> 
> Makoto: You planned this, didn’t you?
> 
> Akechi: Absolutely.
> 
> akira: putting the ass in devious
> 
> akira: deviass
> 
> Akechi: You’re so fucking stupid.
> 
> Akechi: I’ll be at Leblanc in an hour.
> 
> Ann: Tbh it’s sickening how those two are made for each other
> 
> Makoto: It is, isn’t it?
> 
> Haru: I think it’s kind of cute!
> 
> futaba: shit my bugs are still on
> 
> futaba: i am looking away
> 
> futaba: i do not see it
> 
> Sumire: I’m glad that senpai is happy!!
> 
> Yusuke: What did you mean by “planning this”?
> 
> akira: ...
> 
> akira: well
> 
> ryuji: shut up bro
> 
> ryuji: the adrenaline hasn’t worn off yet
> 
> ryuji: yusuke i think ur cute
> 
> Yusuke: Oh!
> 
> Yusuke: That’s very kind of you.
> 
> Yusuke: You are very pleasing to look at, as well.
> 
> ryuji: dude i mean i want 2 date u
> 
> futaba: this is better than genesis evangelion
> 
> Ann: Ikr???
> 
> Ann: I’ve never seen Ryuji be so forward!
> 
> Ann: Usually, he’s backward
> 
> Ann: Like his thinking
> 
> ryuji: shut up u soggy bowl of cereal
> 
> futaba: damn he snapped
> 
> Sumire: Ann, would you like some ice?
> 
> Ann: Quiet, gremlins
> 
> Yusuke: I would like that very much, Ryuji.
> 
> Akechi: God, finally.
> 
> Akechi: I could feel you pining from a mile away.
> 
> futaba: :3
> 
> Akechi: wait shit
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> Makoto: Futaba, if you weren’t so short, I would deck you.
> 
> Haru: No!!
> 
> Haru: Don’t hurt her!!
> 
> Sumire: You’ll have to get through me first!!!
> 
> Sumire: >:(!!!
> 
> futaba: hehe
> 
> futaba: i have the power of god and anime on my side
> 
> futaba: HRAGGGHHHHHHH
> 
> Makoto: Next time...
> 
> futaba: >:3
> 
> ryuji: adrenaline is wearing off
> 
> ryuji: i want 2 crawl in 2 a hole
> 
> akira: futaba stop typing you have no rights
> 
> futaba: >:/
> 
> Yusuke: Worry not, Ryuji.
> 
> Yusuke: I shall meet you in Ogikubo in an hour.
> 
> Yusuke: I look forward to seeing you. :)
> 
> akira: still a better love story than twilight
> 
> Ann: Fuck off don’t insult my wife kristen stewart
> 
> akira: my apologies
> 
> akira: still a better love story than twilight
> 
> Ann: bitch
> 
> akira: you know you love me <3
> 
> Ann: I do <3
> 
> Akechi: I am currently tossing stones at Akira’s window, only to find him with another woman.
> 
> Akechi: If I had a heart, it would be bleeding in the gutter, blood streaming through the cobblestones
> 
> akira: babe the front door is unlocked.
> 
> Akechi: Ah.
> 
> futaba: drama queen
> 
> Haru: You cannot insult her back because you killed her mother and my father :)
> 
> Akechi: That is fair.
> 
> Akechi: Akira, let me in.
> 
> Akechi: I think I see Haru’s car.
> 
> akira: hmm just one sec i’m stretching
> 
> futaba: hehe where’s your sexy boyfriend now??
> 
> Akechi: I have picked the lock, and I’m currently sitting at the bar.
> 
> Ann: Lol Boss will kill you
> 
> Ann: Don’t worry about Futaba and Haru, he’s got a leaf blower
> 
> ryuji: that’s what u get u shaggy little dickhead
> 
> akira: everyone stop ganging up on my boyfriend!!
> 
> akira: he has had enough!!
> 
> Haru: I will wait for tomorrow, then :)
> 
> Makoto: You won’t wait until tomorrow. This won’t update for another few weeks, so you’ll have towait for a while. The author doesn’t have the attention span to consistently update her works in an orderly fashion.
> 
> futaba: what?
> 
> Makoto: What?
> 
> Yusuke: Ryuji, I am here
> 
> ryuji: so am i
> 
> futaba: i am leaving
> 
> futaba: i don’t want to have to hear about four boys getting it on today
> 
> Sumire: Futaba, would you like to come have a sleepover?
> 
> futaba: Y E S
> 
> futaba: i’ll bring jurassic park
> 
> Makoto: Haru, I have extra tickets to a movie tonight.
> 
> Haru: Ooh!!
> 
> Haru: What kind?
> 
> Makoto: Black and white mobster movie.
> 
> Haru: I’ll pick you up then!
> 
> Haru: I’ll just tell my driver!!
> 
> akira: lmao rich people are wack

Ryuji waited with bated breath by the entrance to the ramen place, his phone still buzzing in his pocket. He could see Yusuke crossing the street a few yards away,so he knew it wasn’t important. His hands were shaking in the pockets of his purple bomber jacket, and he wondered if he should just turn tail and run like mad. Yusuke waved. Too late.   
“Hey.” Ryuji breathed, staring up at him. Yusuke smiled gently.

“Good evening. Thank you for inviting me out.”

Ryuji swallowed back the scream of simultaneous relief and fear and took Yusuke’s hand in his. “Yeah, dude. Let’s head in.”   
As they emerged into the small restaurant, Ryuji felt the warmth of Yusuke’s shoulder lean into his, and the smell of fresh cotton and paint flooded his senses. He wasn’t particularly spiritual, but this felt like something pretty close to heaven.   
At the end of the day, he had to thank that bitch Akechi for one thing, and one thing only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two bros chillin' at a ramen bar  
> no feet apart 'cause they ARE gay


	7. Haru Okumura and That One Time She Almost Went To Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru hides something from the group chat.   
> Akira and Makoto argue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just in case, i'm putting in a CW for mentions of police brutality and injury.   
> stay safe everyone. especially now, when the police system's fuckery is only getting coverage now.

Haru Okumura had a large apartment. She shared it with the staff who cleaned it, including the gardener, the maids, and her personal driver, but also the lingering presence of her father. Last year, she would have burst into tears at the mention of him, but her sorrow had hardened into her worth ethic.

Whilst holding him accountable for the horrible, horrible things he did, Haru worked twice as hard to make sure Okumura Foods knew she was the boss. The “Head Bitch in Charge”, as Ann called it. She would prove that she knew how to earn her keep, instead of sitting pretty and waiting for a suitable husband to come along. After all, Makoto would never let her live that down. Passing up the younger Niijima would not only be an idiotic decision, but also a death sentence. Sae Niijima would make sure of that.

But even after all was said and done, Haru still lived in a big apartment, practically all by herself. The buzzing of her phone is the only thing to keep her company in the late hours of the night.

> Akechi: What are you talking about?  
> Akechi: I never said that.
> 
> futaba: bitch don’t lie
> 
> futaba: you absolutely said that.
> 
> Akechi: Never in my life have I asked Akira to be my “sexy assistant”.
> 
> Akechi: I may have asked for his assistance on a few cases only to never follow through as an awkward way of flirting,
> 
> akira: babe i’m hurt :((
> 
> ryuji: lmao that sucks
> 
> ryuji: meanwhile im modeling for yusk tonite ;)
> 
> Ann: Shut The Fuck Up You Horny Bastard
> 
> ryuji: ill punch ur teeth in 2 wiggly lines takamaki
> 
> akira: bro ily but that wasn’t your best one
> 
> ryuji: ik im workin on it
> 
> Yusuke: Preferably, it would be nice of you to refrain from punching Ann’s teeth out of their natural growth patterns. Her smile is very nice to paint as is.
> 
> Ann: Watch out Sakamoto, I’m here to steal your man
> 
> futaba: slow down, thotiana, leave some thot for the rest of us
> 
> Sumire: Futaba, if you slutshame Ann-senpai, I’m going to pour tepid soda all over your switch :)
> 
> futaba: THIS FAMILY IS A NIGHTMAREEEEE
> 
> Akechi: If we were related, I would have gone into foster care by choice.
> 
> Ann: Wow, Akechi, tell us how you really feel smh
> 
> Ann: Istg no one appreciates me…
> 
> akira: i do!!
> 
> akira: ily!!
> 
> akira: also mona does
> 
> akira: he’s literally the only het in the phantom thieves lmao
> 
> Ann: Awww Akichan!!!! I prefer you over a thirsty cat!!!
> 
> Ann: Mind yourself Akechi, I’m coming for your man next
> 
> Akechi: Bitch
> 
> Ann: Bitch
> 
> Makoto: That’s enough for today.
> 
> Haru: I agree! It’s much nicer when we’re not calling each other names!
> 
> Ann: Akechi is a bitch pass it on
> 
> ryuji: akechi is a bitch pass it on
> 
> futaba: akechi is a bitch pass it on
> 
> Sumire: Oh no! My hands are very slippy today!
> 
> Sumire: Oh no!! My microwaved soda is falling out of my hands!
> 
> futaba: i thought i trusted you
> 
> Sumire: You thought wrong.
> 
> Akechi: I’m so proud.
> 
> akira: how did you microwave a soda??
> 
> Sumire: The power of friendship!!
> 
> akira: i’m asking mona if the power of friendship comes with a persona
> 
> akira: cat says no
> 
> akira: whoops NOT a cat
> 
> Ann: Lmao fifty lashes for you for calling Mona a cat.
> 
> futaba: kinky
> 
> akira: blocked
> 
> Haru: Would you mind asking Mona-chan when he’ll be staying over next?  
> Haru: I’m lonely! :((
> 
> futaba: haru i want to give you a hug but that would mean taking the train and that is a big bag of nope
> 
> futaba: so i will send the cat your way when he gets back from yelling at akira
> 
> Haru: That is very much appreciated!   
> Haru: I shall make my way over to you when my schedule is cleared!
> 
> futaba: yay!!!
> 
> futaba: big lesbian sister is coming over!!!
> 
> ryuji: hey guys how do i not catch the attention of the ticket guy on the train
> 
> akira: ryuji....
> 
> akira: bro you know i have two travel cards, one gained illegally and the other through the court system
> 
> akira: not directly, but you catch my drift
> 
> ryuji: yh but like
> 
> ryuji: effort
> 
> Yusuke: Ryuji, if you get caught, I cannot promise that I can paint you, as you may have to face the repercussions of jumping ticket barriers
> 
> futaba: ryuji won’t get caught
> 
> futaba: my mans is sneaky
> 
> Akechi: That is a blatant lie.
> 
> Akechi: However, I do sympathize. The ridiculously expensive fares and over-the-top punishments are rather biased and classist, and therefore, if you need someone to represent you in court, simply ask.
> 
> akira: ......
> 
> akira: my boyfriend, the hot activist detective
> 
> Akechi: I am unsure of whether or not you mean that as a compliment or an insult, but i shall take it as the
> 
> prior.
> 
> futaba: wait is akechi a lawyer
> 
> Akechi: God, no.
> 
> Akechi: I can provide a statement.
> 
> futaba: oh my god i knew it worked
> 
> futaba: i shifted into ace attorney and miles fucking edgeworth is dating my brother.
> 
> akira: miles edgeworth is hot and you cannot tell me otherwise
> 
> futaba: no, you just have a degradation kink
> 
> akira: on god, i will not hesitate to ban you from this chat
> 
> futaba: your shallow threats are nothing
> 
> futaba: you may play the game of technology but i make the rules
> 
> Sumire: Would you look at that! My hands just keep slipping!
> 
> futaba: IM SORRY IM SORRY
> 
> akira: apologise to my hot activist detective boyfriend too
> 
> Akechi: That is unnecessary.
> 
> futaba: sigh
> 
> futaba: sorry i outed you kinning miles edgeworth to the whole group chat
> 
> Ann: I just
> 
> Ann: Why?
> 
> Ann: So much is happening here. And at what cost? My data plan? Is it really worth it?
> 
> akira: no
> 
> futaba: yeah nah not rlly
> 
> Haru: Hello Futaba! There is no need to send Mona over today!
> 
> futaba: oh are you sure?
> 
> futaba: i don’t want his stinky paws on my bed tho
> 
> akira: what doyou mean?  
> akira: he’s here with me right now
> 
> futaba: yeah i meant in the future dumbass
> 
> futaba: but if you’re really sure haru
> 
> futaba: i’m here if you ever get lonely!
> 
> Makoto: Watch it.
> 
> futaba: urhhhhgggg uno what i mean mommykoto
> 
> Haru: There is no need for you to come over!
> 
> Haru: In fact, please do not come over!
> 
> Ann: Uhhhhh
> 
> Akechi: Haru, are you aright?
> 
> Haru: Yes of course why do you ask?
> 
> akira: uhhhh
> 
> akira: are you mad at us?
> 
> Haru: No!! Of course not!!
> 
> futaba: hmmmmmmmm
> 
> futaba: kinda sus if you ask me
> 
> ryuji: haru whats wrong??
> 
> ryuji: r u being threatened??
> 
> Haru: No!!! Just don’t come over!!
> 
> Yusuke: This is most troubling.
> 
> Yusuke: First, Haru asks Futaba to send Monato her and offers to come pick him up. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she tells us not to come over, not to bring the cat, and that she’s not mad at us.
> 
>   
> futaba: when you put it like that….
> 
> ryuji: futaba was right
> 
> ryuji: sounds kinda sus
> 
> akira: haru, what’s going on…….?
> 
> Ann: What, guys, leave her alone lmao
> 
> Ann: I’m sure it’s nothing.
> 
> Akechi: Hold on.
> 
> Akechi:I’m going to take a wild guess and say Haru is hiding something from us.
> 
> futaba: she stole a cat
> 
> ryuji: haha good one
> 
> futaba: no like actually
> 
> futaba: i hacked her phone and thereare tons of pics of this cat
> 
> Haru: Futaba I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About
> 
> akira: oh my god
> 
> Ann: Holy shit can you getarrested for that???
> 
> Makoto: Oh, my God. My sister is a prosecutor. My girlfriend is a kidnapper.
> 
> Makoto: Which side do I choose? Injustice and love, or justice and heartbreak?
> 
> ryuji: fuck the law b with ur gf
> 
> Akechi: Haru, tell me you didn’t actually steala cat.
> 
> Haru: I-
> 
> Haru: You all know I’m lonely!!
> 
> akira: oh my god
> 
> Yusuke: That is rather disquieting.
> 
> Haru: She was on the side of the road!! She doesn’t have a collar!!
> 
> Haru: I gave her a bath and some food and she loves me!!
> 
> Haru: She keeps kneading my sweater when I hold her!!
> 
> futaba: i’m checking to see if the cat’s microchipped
> 
> akira: i’ll ask mona if he knows the cat
> 
> Ann: Haru legitimately stole a cat.
> 
> Haru: There wasno theft involved!!
> 
> akira: mona catslapped me and asked why i thought that he knew other cats
> 
> Akechi: If the cat’s owners find out, she could be taken to court.   
> Akechi: I’m sure I could put a good word in with the prosecutor.
> 
> Ann: Hey isn’t that bribery
> 
> Akechi: It’s not bribery if I don’t get caught
> 
> ryuji: arent u meant 2 b a police officer
> 
> Akechi: God, no.
> 
> Akechi: How insulting.
> 
> Makoto: Hey, police officers doa lot for the community!
> 
> akira: bullshit
> 
> ryuji: yh bro acab
> 
> Makoto: That’s a littleunfair, don’t you think?
> 
> akira: you want to know what else is unfair? i was wrongfully accused of a crime that i didn’t commit, taken into holding for a day, then was put on probation because a pretentious asshole paid the officers off.
> 
> akira: and then, after taking the fall for my friends, i was locked in an interrogation room, beaten, drugged, and then forced to give a testimony to your sister, who didn’t believe me until i told her that her assistant was involved.
> 
> Akechi: The police system is bastardized. It’s an organization built on old rules that aren’t helpful to the community.
> 
> Makoto: My father was a police officer.
> 
>   
> akira: he was complicit in a system that attacks based on bias
> 
> futaba: uhh well the cat isn’t microchipped
> 
> ryuji: not the time man
> 
> Akechi: Actually, I think we all need to calm down.
> 
> akira: goro, you’re not serious
> 
> Akechi: Arguing over a group chat won’t do anything. If we really need to have this conversation, it can be face to face.
> 
> Makoto: Whatever.   
> Makoto: I just can’t understand how you could say that about my father.
> 
>   
> Ann: Makoto, that’s enough.
> 
> Ann: Neither of them said anything about your father. Only his job.
> 
> Yusuke: Well, on another note, Haru has just legally adopted a cat.
> 
> Yusuke: She posted on her tumblr.
> 
> Haru: Oh, you followme now? How nice!!
> 
> ryuji: can’t believe haru tried 2 steal a cat
> 
> futaba: eh it’s believable
> 
> futaba:remember how she used to talk to shadows?
> 
> ryuji: yh…
> 
> akira: i’m going to bed.
> 
> akira: i’ll talk to you all later.
> 
> Akechi: Goodnight, Akira.
> 
> Ann: Ttyl! Love you!!
> 
> Makoto: I’m doing the same.
> 
> Haru: I love you!! Sleep well!
> 
> Yusuke: Goodnight, Makoto.
> 
> futaba: well, that was intense
> 
> Sumire: HEY!! WHAT DID I MISS??
> 
> ryuji: where tf were u??
> 
> Sumire: Practice! Had it for four hours :(
> 
> Yusuke: Well, Haru stole a cat which led to a conversation about the justice system, which was interrupted by Haru adopting the cat.
> 
> Ann: And Akira and Makoto had a fight about the police system :/
> 
> Akechi: I think it may be best to let thisdie out before we continue.
> 
> ryuji: for once i agree w him
> 
> futaba: see ya later ig

Haru gazed at her direct messages with Makoto, stroking Buttercup gently. The white cat purred, stretching her legs out in satisfaction. Makoto was online, probably upset, but Haru didn’t want to salt the wound. She looked out of the large window, watching the rain batter the glass pane, her hand buried in Buttercup’s fur.

“I hope everyone is alright,” She murmured, “I would hate for them to be angry with each other.”

Buttercup meowed, her claw catching on a thread of Haru’s sweater. She smiled, then gently unhooked her paw from the fabric.

“But you’re just a cat. You can’t hear me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got dark, but i just felt so weird about how akira was so supportive of Makoto's goal to become a police officer after what he went through.


End file.
